Sublimely Mundane Goes to the Dollar Store

So I went to the dollar store on Friday with my wife. She was picking up some tissue paper, ribbon and gift bags for the Christmas gift-giving, which swells my cheap Chinese heart to no end. Before she met me, she spent a lot of time in Hallmark picking up extremely fancy gift wrap and gift bags. I made the (bullshit) argument that it didn't matter how the gift was wrapped. What mattered was what was inside and, moreover, what was inside your heart when the gift was wrapped. She called "shenanigans" on me (rightfully). But the point was made. We get our gift wrap from the dollar store now.

I have a love/hate relationship with the dollar store. It's a great place to get basics, like paper towels, cleaning supplies your mother used, and party supplies that may or may not be toxic to children. However, for the low, low prices you sacrifice a few things, such as cleanliness and organization.

You also have to go through some weirdo things in order to get to the things you want. Here are a few that caught my eye while I was browsing for non-toxic gift wrap:

First up is this incredibly strange item in Toys that may be strange just because of the wording. Yes, it says, "Robot Shield." Naturally, I ask myself, "Is this a shield for robots, or a shield that IS a robot?" Let's assume it's a shield for robots. This goes back to a conversation I had with my co-workers last week about Japanese cartoons. New Coworker Chris came up with the extremely insightful point, "Why does an advanced civilization like Future Japan build a war weapon that is basically robots having giant sword fights?"

Well, Chris, I'm not sure, but if you're going to build a weapon that is a giant, sword-wielding robot, I say invest another 60 billion yen into giving it a proper shield. (Unless you are shopping at the dollar store, in which case you don't need to spend 60 billion yen on a shield but can outfit your giant robot with this one from the dollar store for the low, low price of--you guessed it--one measly American dollar.)

I've been broke. I've been so broke I ate ramen for a week, and not that fancy three-dollar ramen that Whole Foods sells, but the 25-cent ramen. Having said that, I typically steer clear of dollar store food. And it's not just a kneejerk bourgeois reaction to dollar-store food. I got sick eating cheese dip from the dollar store. (Then again, it was like my college girlfriend--looked pretty good until we got involved, and then the girlfriend/cheese dip was just poison.) So, have you ever seen a less appetizing can of chili? I mean, this is like hobo chili, and not that hoity-toity "hobo chili" that some douchebag on Food Network cooks with organic beans and vegetables and spices imported from Europe and Mexico, but like honest-to-goodness, cooked over a fire by a railroad track hobo chili.

P.S. I couldn't even find a Web site for "Hartford House"--which in this day and age, is unsettling for reasons too numerous to go into--but I did find this blog entry on Cheap Eats about Hartford House beef stew, which was hilarious.

Balloons? Check. Napkins? Check. Robot shield? Check. Autobiography of Hollywood legend/former talk show host? You bet. When I'm desperate for something to read and don't have a lot of money, I browse the used books on Amazon or Abe Books. Sometimes, I go to my local Books-a-Million and look at the sale rack. But I've never thought about finding a book at the dollar store. Amazingly, although I've never heard of this book, it garnered 4 1/2 stars from Amazon's reviewers, and the people who said nice things about it include Mario Cuomo and Mary Steenburgen.

P.S. While Googling "Mary Steenburgen" to make sure I spelled it right, the second Google auto-search result is "mary steenburgen hot." I don't even know what to say.

Now I know what I'm going to get Rupert Murdoch this year for Hanukkah. He needs all the help he can get for MySpace. Haha! BUUURN!

Finally, the dollar store is stocking DVD's! For a dollar! On the con side, this is the selection you get. Scary Movie 4 should be buried and never see the light of day again, like the Ark of the Covenant at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. I picked up the movie "London" and put it down again after reading the blurb, "Not a movie about the city, but about a hot woman!" (This was literally the description.) Strangely, this was a deal breaker. I did pick up "1408," though, because, hey, it's John Cusack, it's Stephen King, it's Cthulu. How can you lose? Especially for a buck?